leaving situations that don't serve you isn't quitting

choose what deserves your energy, let go of what doesn't

i've stayed in friendships that drained me for years. i've stuck with jobs that made me miserable for months longer than i should have. i've remained in situations where i was undervalued, overlooked, and frankly, unhappy. why? because i was terrified of being seen as a quitter. because somewhere along the way, i absorbed the message that walking away means giving up, and giving up means failure.

after years of staying too long in places i shouldn't, i’ve learned that walking away from things that don't serve you isn't quitting and it's one of the most powerful acts of self respect you can practice.

why we might stay in situations that don't serve us

many of us have been conditioned to view persistence as a virtue and walking away as a weakness. we celebrate the person who "never gives up" and side eye the one who "couldn't handle it" like they’re weak. this messaging starts early, from childhood stories about persistence to motivational posters about "sticking it out" and then becomes deeply internalized.

but there are other reasons we stay too long:

• the sunk cost fallacy: "i've already invested so much time/energy/money, i can't leave now." this is the mental trap that keeps us in dead end relationships, unfulfilling careers, and friendships that expired years ago. the thing is those resources are already spent and staying won't get them back either

• fear of the unknown: sometimes a mediocre situation feels safer than the uncertainty of what comes next. we convince ourselves that "it could be worse" rather than imagining how much better it could be, effectively holding ourselves back from experience something new that could enhance our life and even raise our standards

• people pleasing: we worry about disappointing others, letting the team down, or being judged. we prioritize others' opinions over our own wellbeing. i suspect women do this more often than men

• identity attachment: sometimes we stay because we've tightly coupled our identity with something like a career, a relationship, or a club/community, so walking away feels like losing massive parts of ourselves or our entire self

the difference between walking away and giving up

there is a crucial distinction to make: giving up is abandoning something you truly value, maybe because it got too difficult. walking away is making a conscious choice to redirect your energy because something isn't aligned with your values, goals, or wellbeing.

in other words, giving up comes from a place of defeat. walking away comes from a place of clarity.

i used to think leaving anything unfinished made me flaky, uncommitted and/or weak. it didn’t help that i was often surrounded by people who really subscribed to a hustle-grind-girlboss-profit kind of mentality. i was a business major in college, if you couldn’t tell.

now i can see that carefully choosing what deserves my limited time and energy is actually the opposite! it's taking full responsibility for my choices rather than passively letting circumstances dictate my life. it’s consistently choosing to only stick with pursuits that are in alignment with what i value, what i want out of life, and who i want to be.

signs something isn't serving you anymore

if you're wondering whether it's time to walk away from something, here are some signs i've learned to recognize:

• it consistently drains more energy than it gives. after engaging with it, you feel depleted rather than energized or fulfilled.

• you dread it. you find yourself procrastinating, making excuses, or feeling anxious when you even think about engaging with it.

• you've tried multiple approaches to improve the situation without success. you're not walking away at the first sign of trouble; you've genuinely tried to make it work!

• it conflicts with your core values or the person you're becoming. not everything is for everybody and that's okay.

• your gut is screaming at you (but maybe you keep ignoring it). sometimes your intuition can recognize what isn't serving you long before your rational mind catches up. for me, the message i need to hear sometimes manifests in my dreams, even if i am actively ignoring it while awake.

• it's affecting your mental or physical health. insomnia, anxiety, constant stress, or physical symptoms are your body's way of saying "this isn't right for me." i don’t think it’s a coincidence that i’ve had the worst skin, the lowest energy, and picked up some bad habits when i was staying in the wrong places or giving my energy to the wrong people.

the courage in walking away

our culture celebrates the grit of staying or sticking it out, but rarely acknowledges the bravery of leaving. walking away can definitely require more courage than staying, especially when:

• we face judgment or criticism from others who don't understand our decision

• we have to admit that something isn't working despite our best efforts

• we’re giving up external validation or status

• we have to face the discomfort of change and uncertainty

• we’re disappointing people we care about

how to walk away with grace

walking away doesn't have to be messy or dramatic. here's how i've learned to do it without burning everything down (which i’ve also done):

• get clear on your why. know exactly why this situation isn't serving you anymore. write it down somewhere so when your brain tries to trick you into remembering only the good parts (which it will, trust me!!!), you can remind yourself. i've gone back to old journal entries and been shocked at what i'd completely forgotten about.

• set boundaries and stick to them. decide what you're willing to give during your exit and what you're not. don't let guilt push you into overextending yourself; i've done this many times and always regretted it.

• be honest but not cruel. you don't need to destroy someone on your way out. i struggle the most with this one and a few of my exes could attest to that.

• stop overexplaining. a simple "this isn't working for me anymore" is enough. you don't owe anyone a monologue, 3 hour convo for closure, long paragraphs, etc.

• expect people to be weird about it. they might not get it or support you. that's their problem, not yours. it might feel wrong to them, but your life is about figuring out what's wrong for you.

• find the lesson. even if the only thing you learned was "wow i am never dating someone who plays league of legends again" - that's valuable info! add it to the files. store it for later. learn from it. knowing what to avoid helps you figure out what to look for :)

after you walk away

the period right after walking away can be the hardest. you might face doubt and second guessing yourself constantly. "did i make a mistake?" will probably pop into your head, especially when things get tough in the transition. this is completely normal! i still question major decisions long after making them. i think it’s natural.

temporary loneliness or disorientation might hit you unexpectedly. it makes sense because you're creating space for something new, but that space feels empty at first. it's like clearing out a room without knowing what new furniture you want yet. plus, get ready for criticism from people who don't understand or agree with your choice. some people might take it personally or project their own fears onto your decision.

but then, something beautiful usually happens! most people i know who have walked away from situations that didn't serve them, including myself, experience a sense of relief. that background anxiety starts to fade. you feel lighter.

mental clarity comes next. a fog lifts when you're no longer pouring energy into something that drains you. thoughts become sharper, decisions might come easier. you have renewed energy for things that actually matter to you. your capacity for relationships, projects, and pursuits that truly light you up seems to expand.

the best part might be the self trust you develop. each time you honor your needs by walking away from what doesn't serve you, you build confidence in your ability to make good decisions for yourself. this compounds over time; walking away gets easier because you've proven to yourself that better things await on the other side. the grass is greener on the side where we water it. and it’s a hell of a lot easier to water the side we actually enjoy.

a "stop doing" list

somewhere along the way, we became obsessed with productivity in terms of doing more for the sake of doing more or being busy. what if true productivity requires curation and is actually about doing less of the wrong things so we can do more of the right ones?

jim collins, author of "good to great," proposes a thought experiment: "suppose you woke up tomorrow and received two phone calls. the first phone call tells you that you have inherited $20 million, no strings attached. the second tells you that you have an incurable and terminal disease, and you have no more than 10 years to live. what would you do differently, and, in particular, what would you stop doing?"

this question cuts through the noise and gets to the heart of what truly matters to you. and as author patti digh wisely noted, "sometimes our stop-doing list needs to be bigger than our to-do list."

try this: take a piece of paper and create two columns. on one side, write your typical to do list. on the other side, write your stop-doing list. what activities, obligations, or relationships are draining your energy without adding value to your life? what would happen if you just... stopped doing them? obviously be realistic, unfortunately we can’t just stop paying our rent, but take the time to evaluate what’s taking from you more than it’s contributing to your wellbeing.

the freedom in letting go

perhaps the most powerful shift is in how you view the concept of walking away itself. what once felt like failure becomes an act of self care and wisdom.

i now see my willingness to walk away as one of my greatest strengths, not a weakness. it means i value myself enough to not stay in situations that diminish me. it means i trust that there is something coming my way that is more aligned with who i am and what i want. it means i’m not willing to settle.

so really, walking away is being selective about which hard things are worth your precious time and energy. it's recognizing that staying in a situation that consistently makes you unhappy isn't noble, it’s actually a form of self betrayal.

life is too precious to spend it in places, relationships, or pursuits that don't nurture your growth or bring you at least some measure of joy. and every time we pour our resources into one thing, we are therefore not pouring them into others. everything comes with an opportunity cost. sometimes the bravest thing you can do is walk away and make space for what might be waiting just around the corner.

have you ever walked away from something that wasn't serving you? what happened after? did anyone give you pushback? i'd love to hear your experiences in the comments.