tales of a former male validation addict who tried to grow up too quickly as a young woman
i cannot emphasize enough how much time, money, and energy i spent obsessing over making myself sexier, more desirable, and more palatable to men and society
truthfully, i wish i was the teenager who didn’t want to grow up so fast; the one who enjoyed their youth more and learned to live in the moment sooner. i heard adults say things like that all the time when i was younger. “don’t be in a rush to grow up!” “enjoy (whatever) while you’re young!” i knew what they meant, but i didn’t quite get it, and i knew i didn’t get it, even at the time.
but that didn’t happen. i did try to grow up too quickly and i based a lot of my self worth on achieving certain milestones by a certain age. i was unnecessarily hard on myself; that is what brought me to the peak of my addiction to weed and nicotine, and somehow even worse than that, the peak of my addiction to sexualizing myself for male validation.
so, where did it all go wrong?
i can’t say for sure, but i do think it all started with the fact that i downloaded social media when i was in the 5th grade. i was 10 years old when i began to be continuously bombarded with pictures and videos of conventionally attractive people and all the ways they are made to be sexual, desirable, and palatable to the public. sometimes i wonder if anything would have been different if i was born sooner, when it wasn’t normal to have a phone practically preloaded with social media by the time you’re in middle school. but who really knows?
consequently, i was paranoid about my own physical appearance and how my life looked to others by the time i was 10. i had a gap in my two front teeth, little glasses that were the cheapest on the rack, a slicked-back wavy-haired bun that showed my lack of knowledge on how to do my hair, no makeup skills (unlike some other girls my age), no curves yet, and a sense of fashion that was truly my own. i began to hate my appearance very quickly. that is heartbreaking to look back on; it actually makes me teary-eyed just to remember the fact that i never really cared about, let alone hated, my own appearance until i got social media. in fact, i remember thinking i was kind of cute sometimes. i used to take selfies on some family-owned cameras and do little clothing photo shoots for my mom. i was born confident and social media, temporarily, destroyed that. what little confidence i had was absolutely obliterated and the self-hatred flooded in. i wish i could go back and hug baby alyse and tell her she was already beautiful, with the teeth gap and all. she was just young and awkward; she was exactly who she was supposed to be. there was nothing wrong with her, not physically at least.
(and if anybody reading this is a parent, a guardian, an aunt or uncle, has children in their life, or really is just a human being, please do not bash a child’s appearance, ever. it is one of the worst things one human could do to another, especially to a child. do not plant any seed of insecurity or concern for beauty standards; the world will do that for them, it should never be you. i don’t care if it is their teeth, hairstyle, makeup, height, fashion style, weight, way of talking, way of walking, way of laughing, do not criticize them for their physical appearance. if you do so anyways, i wish nothing but the absolute worst for you, because you are the absolute worst kind of person)
my days of watching youtube for fun, learning the song lyrics to every song i enjoyed, reading to learn, playing outside with my friends, and being a kid as a kid should be, were quickly replaced with days of using a zoomed-in mirror to focus on every “problem” with my appearance, learning which push-up bras would make my boobs look the best, experimenting with camera apps and filters that made me look the prettiest, and seeing which beauty regimes would ensure i got the most male attention. you know how some people learn, often later in life, that their face is uneven and how they look in real life is the inverted version of the default camera setting that is mirrored? i learned that by the time i graduated middle school, because i was so obsessed with being symmetrical and beautiful.
as if it could not get any worse than robbing myself of my own youth, robbing myself of the carefree spirit i once possessed, and robbing myself of a childhood that actually mimicked a childhood, it did. it got worse.
for years, and i do mean years with no exaggeration, my primary concern was about being desirable to men and enviable to other women. i overshared vía social media in order to capture the attention of both sexes, but in very different ways. i wanted men to see my posts and think “god, i want her. no, i need her. she is the sexiest, most beautiful, and most interesting person i’ve ever met.” i wanted women to see my posts and think “god, i want to be her. no, i need to be her. she is the sexiest, most beautiful, and most interesting person i’ve ever met.”
i pushed my boobs up for pictures, i would do my hair and makeup just to take the sexiest shot, i would post the most alluring things, i followed men and women alike just to see if they’d find me hot enough to follow me back with no real effort on my end, i wasted hundreds of hours on talking to men and women in order to reel them in and prove to myself that i was desirable, i had meaningless sex to validate myself and boost my confidence, i learned the best tips and tricks in bed to ensure i would be considered the most memorable sexual partner, i researched different beauty hacks and regimes so i could have the clearest skin with the prettiest makeup, i spent thousands of dollars on treatments for hairstyles, revealing clothing, trendy makeup, trendy accessories, trendy shoes, and so much more. before i had a hookup of any caliber, i would eat less food that day, wash & style my hair, do my makeup, exfoliate and shave damn near my entire body, layer all of my lotions and perfumes, wear the sexiest lingerie underneath my “cute but low effort” outfits, and make sure i packed anything i needed for touchups. sometimes, i would even review those tips and tricks i learned in bed to ensure i would put on the best and sexiest performance i could for these men.
as far as i did take it, i luckily did stop over time. and it all started when i began dating my first serious boyfriend at the age of 17. his name was austin. once i got a taste of seemingly unconditional love, i realized that i was doing so much for so little. i began to realize that i placed a tremendous amount of my time, money, and energy into making sure i was desirable to men and society. as sad as it is, it truly didn’t occur to me before those moments just how much i had invested into my physical appearance, sexual and romantic experiences, and social media presence. austin and i didn’t work out, but that’s okay. it was the catalyst i needed to start unlearning all that i had been conditioned to know and care about.
the sad part is i am not the first to do that, i am not the only, and i certainly won’t be the last. there are plenty of women out there who can relate to my story already, or even parts of it. and listen, if that’s the kind of woman somebody wants to be, i do not blame them. living under capitalism can be tough, living under the patriarchy can be tough, and living under all of the gender-based expectations that come along with both of those systems can be the toughest of all. i get it, i really do. but it was not the lifestyle for me, and honestly speaking, i don’t think it’s the ideal lifestyle for anybody. it is exhausting, time-consuming, mentally and physically draining, soul-crushing, painful, and just about every other negative word in the english language. fuck it, even other languages. it was the fucking worst.
so, what does my life look like now? what am i doing differently?
well, i would be lying if i said i don’t give any fucks about my physical appearance, sexual and romantic experiences, and social media presence now. i certainly do, but mostly for the right reasons. for all of those things, i prioritize my own opinion above everything else. how i feel about my smile, hair, skin, makeup, body type, weight, height, fashion, accessories, shoes, lifestyle, sexual abilities, and so much more, is almost entirely based on my own thoughts. i’ve gotten very skilled at picking and choosing which fucks i give about other peoples’ opinions on my physical appearance. i don’t push my boobs up for pictures, i don’t waste any hours talking to men to prove that i can capture their interest, i don’t have sex with a man’s pleasure as my top priority, i don’t care about how many men are drooling over my appearance either in person or virtually, i don’t want other women to envy me, i don’t spend almost any time looking at a mirror and thinking about what’s wrong with me, i don’t stress about how much my weight and body shape fits the ideal beauty standard, i don’t choose my hairstyles, makeup, clothing, accessories, or shoes according to what is trendy or the most appealing to men and society, and so on. of course, i have my bad days and my weak moments, but they are genuinely far and few in between. nearly 100% of the time, i am doing what i want to do, because i want to do it. nearly 100% of the time, i am not doing what i don’t want to do, because i don’t want to do it. most of my time now is dedicated to my entrepreneurial ventures, career, moments of solitude, hobbies, family, friends, traveling, and the very few romantic or sexual partners who ever capture my interest, let alone win my heart. and for those who do capture my interest or win my heart, they are no longer the center of my world; they’re not even close. at the end of the day, i am a 21 year old woman with a whole lot of other things i’d rather center my attention on than male validation, the imaginary competition that exists between some women, social media, sex, or hookup culture. there is a whole lot more to life than all of those things. one of the things i know for sure now is that i have this one life to live, so i’m going to live it for myself, and i don’t care how anybody feels about that. i actually encourage everybody to see if, deep down, they feel the same way.
i promise it is the most liberating feeling in the entire world to know that you are living your life for yourself, in whatever way that looks like for you.