romantic love is overrated

i'm not saying that romantic love is hopeless, but i am saying that i feel like people use romantic love as a distraction from living a full & well-rounded life

firstly, i’ve got nothing against the idea of falling in love, being romantic with people, going on dates, getting married, and so on. i’ve seen people have wonderful relationships & lives with their romantic partner. for those people, i am happy to cheer them on.

the problem is… i just don’t think it’s a lot of people. from everything i’ve gathered, romance seems highly overrated and very rarely is it created between two healthy & complete people. for many, it just seems like their “romance” is a combination of unhealthy attachments, coping mechanisms, and distractions.

and for the few people who seem to have healthy romantic love, it’s not enough people to warrant how many other people spend their entire lives getting lost in romance, looking for romance, prioritizing romance, and making romance the center of their lives.

of course, i know that everybody has different personalities, interests, and priorities. that’s why i’m writing this. i feel like one of the few people who doesn’t prioritize romance and that’s one of the reasons why i don’t understand people who place so much emphasis on it.

and don’t get me wrong, when i have fallen in love, which has happened only two to three times in my life, it has felt great. it’s been euphoric, wholesome, expansive, and worth every second i was in it. who doesn’t enjoy having somebody who they love and who loves them in return? cuddling feels great, having somebody to confide in is a nice feeling, and going on dates is fun.

i’ve even been lucky enough, maybe luckier than others, to have met fantastic people who were fantastic partners. even with my luck and the love i have had, romantic love hasn’t been the most rewarding part of my life. in fact, far from it.

i can name a lot of things that have felt more rewarding than romantic love, even when compared to my best romances. the journey of loving myself, how happy i feel when i see my friends, the highs i’ve felt when discovering different interests of my own, watching my niece & nephew grow up, witnessing my family members improve their lives, changing my own life for the best, seeing my friends & family accomplish their goals, the super fascinating books i’ve read, the movies and quotes that greatly impacted my perspective, all the delicious food i’ve ever tried, exploring the places i have traveled to, achieving the goals i’ve set my mind to, exceeding my own expectations, and so on.

to me, there seems to be so much more to life than what people really give credit for. when you talk to a lot of people, you would think that life is all about marriage and making babies. from a young age, i was taught ideas like it’s lonely to be single or you need somebody to make you happy or the best day of your life will be your wedding or the most rewarding love comes from having kids or there’s no way you’ll be happy without starting a family of your own or every woman was born to be a mother.

i don’t think i need to elaborate on how wildly sexist those ideas are. i probably don't need to elaborate on how ignorant they are too. by all means, do what makes you happy. but for those of us who don’t place our life’s purposes on starting a family or getting married, it absolutely makes sense why romantic love might feel overrated to us.

i mean, even if you say the word love, people assume you’re talking about romantic love. that’s because for a lot of people, they only see love as something being related to romance. they might have personally spent their whole lives chasing romance, romantic validation, somebody to keep them company because they’re scared of being alone, somebody who will be their sole support system to lean on, somebody to make babies with, and somebody to die with.

to be very honest, i don’t even think a lot of people have experienced genuine and healthy love. for many, i think they use romance to escape focusing on other parts of their lives. i think what a lot of people call “love” is just lust (sex and hormones) or obsession. it sounds brutal but i think it’s true, especially for those who use love as a distraction. you don’t need to focus on your own career if you prioritize marrying a rich person who will take care of you financially because they’ve been successful in their own career. you don’t need to focus on having actual friendships to maintain and enjoy if you dedicate all your time to one singular person. you don’t need a therapist if you tell everything and every issue you could ever have to one singular person. you don’t need to focus on your own physical and mental health if you can find one singular person who will tolerate you in every stage.

one of my best examples for people who think like this are the people who read romantic novels. romance is the highest-selling genre for books. i don’t think it’s any guess as to why. such a small amount of people actually experience healthy love, so they turn to novels that are completely made up to fill this internal void. and again, i think people just appreciate having distractions in their life. i totally understand that. that’s why people scroll on social media, binge-watch netflix, and for others… they use entire people and relationships to escape the responsibility that comes with maintaining other parts of their life, like having a successful career, seeing their family, or nurturing multiple long-term friendships.

i get it, i really do. and i’m not here to say that all romance is a waste of time or anybody who cares about it has something wrong with them. i’m really just here to say exactly as the title says… i think it is overrated. i think there are plenty of other things to find enjoyment & meaning in besides romance.

the fact is there’s so many other kinds of love besides romance… and those are the loves i’d rather prioritize.

self love. love for my family. love for my friends. love for animals. love for my pets. love for the work i do. love for the hobbies i have. love for a community. love for a cause. love for the planet. love for my mind. love for my body. love for my soul. love for spending time alone. love for traveling. love for exploring the world. love for learning. love for laughing. love for relaxing.

you see what i mean? romantic love can be great, and it is one form of love that i definitely enjoy and appreciate having in my life, but i don’t think so many people should be using it to measure how successful or meaningful their life is. i promise that it’s possible to have a fantastic, healthy, and exciting life even without marriage and kids. when there is so much love to go around in the world, why focus all of your energy into the romantic kind?

at the end of the day, i really think balance and moderation is key. have your fun, fall in love, live your life, and don’t forget that there’s plenty of other people & things & causes to pour your love into besides your romantic partner.