my fascination with sex, my journey with love
written by a woman who has been single, in casual relationships, in long term monogamous relationships, in open relationships, in friends with benefits dynamics, in situationships, and affairs
i’ve never been a hopeless romantic. maybe it’s because i was skeptical at a young age and the idea of chasing something that has consumed people’s entire lives didn’t seem appealing to me. maybe it’s because i find endless fulfillment from my friends, family, animals, career, and hobbies. it’s probably both.
naturally, i’ve seldom watched any romantic films. i’ve read for my entire life and hardly picked up romance novels. i find the predictability of romantic media, in all of its forms, annoying and nauseating. my least favorite part is when the characters get so caught up in their romance that they lose sight of the rest of their lives; that part hits too close to home as an adult and reminds me of some of my biggest mistakes. the worst offenders are those hallmark christmas movies where a woman has worked so hard for her career in a big city but goes back to her small hometown for two weeks and decides to sacrifice everything for a man she just met. well-written rom coms are the one exception because I love to laugh.
while i wasn’t intrigued by romance when i was younger, i was endlessly fascinated by sex. i know exactly why, too. sex was taboo. sex was something i wasn’t “supposed” to know or think about for as young as i was. and i was somewhere between the ages of 7 and 9 when i became interested in sex. what captivated me was how sex and romance were talked about and treated so differently, both on and off the screen, but were connected.
when talking about sex, rather than romance, the difference was like night and day. for many of the people i watched on tv or overheard when eavesdropping, they wouldn’t talk about sex at all. if they did, there was an obvious diffidence in their voice. the energy of the room felt like some combination of shame, awkwardness, and tension. and don’t even get me started on how much weirder people became if they talked about sex with somebody they weren’t seriously dating or married to. they spoke with an obvious fear of being judged. if i stared, i could guess whether they were more concerned with somebody judging them or talking themself out of judgments they’ve already made internally. it was clear to me that women in particular were taught to only sleep with people they were serious about, and they internalized that. furthermore, it wasn’t hard for me to spot how sex was portrayed in the media as some kind of chore or obligation for women. you know what i mean. all those scenes of women pretending to be asleep when their husband crawls into bed. all the moments when women alluded to having sex just to shut their boyfriend or husband up. all the conversations where women strategized together, trying to time when one of them should have sex with a man so that he takes her seriously. too soon and he’ll think she’s a disposable slut. too late and he’ll think she’s an insecure prude or leading him on while scoring free dinner for herself.
however, everyone openly talked about wanting to find love, how rewarding it feels to fall in love, and the importance of finding “the one” in their life. they were loud, proud, and gloated unapologetically when they had any kind of romantic success. it was, and is, standard for the media to portray romantic love as the center of people’s lives, especially for women. i noticed how much importance society placed on getting married and having kids. people quite literally expect that their wedding day will be one of the best days of their lives, if not the best. when romance was being discussed, there was a noticeable absence of the shame, awkwardness, and tension that filled the room when sex was. nobody seemed to have an issue talking about romance, love, soulmates, dating, getting engaged, getting married, pregnancy, and having children. the message was clear: people meet, they go on dates, they fall in love, they get engaged, they get married, they start a family, and they live happily ever after. i saw it happen on tv all the time.
but you know what wasn’t on tv? you know what made my mind race, especially because it was clear to me that it was something that’s not permitted to be on tv? it was how these people go from being married to having children. i knew pregnancy was a thing, but i wasn’t sure how women ended up like that. i was watching movies and shows thinking where did these kids come from? they can’t just spawn in the way my minecraft characters did. they’re popping out of their mother, but how did they get inside of her? i knew something was up. and what happened next was a pivotal moment in my life.
i was watching tv when somebody on the screen said the word sex. my mom was in the kitchen behind me, and i trusted her more than anyone else, so naturally i said “hey mom, what is sex?” my older brother quickly appeared and said “do not tell her that, you can’t tell her that.” but it was too late. i’d already decided that if i don’t get an honest answer, or any at all, then i will search for it on my laptop. you might be wondering, how would you even know if you got an honest answer? you’re, like, 8. truthfully, my intuition was always solid. and my expectations for honesty from adults wasn’t so high after i learned that santa was a fucking sham. plus, i was already tech-savvy. i used my laptop in two ways that made the most sense for a curious child: to entertain myself with youtube & games… and to learn about all the things i wasn’t supposed to know. my mom said something along the lines of “it’s what two people do when they love each other” and that immediately wasn’t good enough for me. too vague. i needed details. i knew then what i was going to search for when i got a moment to be sneaky.
when the moment came, i wasted no time. i couldn’t tell you why, but rather than googling “sex” or “what is sex” first, i’m pretty sure i cut out the bullshit and went straight to sex.com, because i knew websites worked like that. i will never forget what i saw, what i felt, and all the things i wanted to learn after that. the first thing on the screen was a series of images. they all showed the same women lined up centipede style, mouth to pussy, so on and so forth, down the line. i don’t even know how many pictures i clicked. some depicted a man and a woman, but most only involved women. i felt beyond shocked and somewhat aroused; my eyes stayed wide open and my mouth stayed agape while i zoomed in and out obsessively. i was amused, but not disgusted. i already felt like i liked both boys and girls, but this moment confirmed that. i remember feeling like seeing those pictures was far more exciting than any romantic movie i’d seen before.
i knew then that i wanted to know everything about the subject of sex. how did it work? who gets to participate? how do they agree to it? what makes it so fun? is it fun? is it scary? why am i nervous just thinking about it? is this mandatory? when will i do this? how many different ways can you do this? what starts it? what ends it? why don’t people talk about it more? where do people learn about it? how do you even know what to do? are there classes for this? is it something i need to hide? is this how babies are made? how many babies are made each time? how does the baby get into the woman? how does it come out?
this was the exact moment i started my journey with all things sex and sexuality. i’ll spare the details since i was so young and some things are better off being private, but let’s just say that i quickly learned how to please myself using my hands, pillows, stuffed animals, bathtubs, and shower heads. not long after learning how to make myself happy, i started wondering what it’s like to do it with another person. i wasn’t too eager to do that yet, though. i knew i was too young, needed to learn more, and i was nervous just thinking about it.
for a lot of people, their journey with romantic love precedes their journey with sex. i know people who didn’t masturbate or watch porn until they got into their first relationship. technically, i heard and knew about romantic love, as seen in the media & with the adults in my life, long before i knew about sex. but in practice, my journey with sex preceded mine with romantic love. watching two people pretend to love each other on tv isn’t nearly as personal as waiting for everyone to fall asleep so i can grind on my stuffed animal until something happens. years passed before i experienced romantic love and embarked on that personal journey.
just like the beginning of my journey with sex, the beginning of my journey with romantic love felt like i was being swept out to sea, taken by the water. it was intense and consuming. it weighed on my mind. it was distracting. this time, it took up space in my heart. love was something i didn’t expect myself to be involved in for several more years. it came much sooner when i was only 12/13. it started with a woman, technically a girl at the time.
her name is m. just m, for privacy reasons. we met in 6th grade and hardly saw each other because we had different schedules. however, at the beginning of 7th grade, we became best friends. she complimented my handwriting and asked me to write “homework” on her folder. i took her folder and wrote “not homework" which made her laugh endlessly. i liked her already. she ended up being my first best friend and first love all in one go. don’t get me wrong, i had best friends in elementary school, but they weren’t like m & i. they were simple. they were everything childhood friendships should be.
m & i went deeper and became far more complex. i fell hard. we did everything together. we saw each other in every state, for better or for worse. we were girls together. we navigated crushes and sexuality together. we learned how to hide things from our parents together. we learned how to do makeup together. we fought. we made up. even our parents knew how on and off we could be. but i was crazy about her. i denied those feelings for a long time. i’m not sure i ever told her just how much i loved her. we technically never dated. we never even had sex. she is the only person in my life that i have loved romantically and never slept with. we cuddled naked, we bathed together, we showered together, we were jealous and would argue when we had crushes on other people, we sent nudes to each other, but we never had sex. our best friendship slowly ended after we had gone to separate high schools. we ended on good terms and still talk occasionally. i’ll forever cherish the intimacy and love we had going from 7th to 9th grade. it sounds so silly, but it was so serious. without her, i wonder how long it would’ve taken for me to open up to people. before her, i was fun, witty, and curious, and i had no trouble making friends, but i was never really deep or vulnerable with people. not until i met her. i’m so glad it all started with her.
after m, both my sex and love life became increasingly dramatic, confusing, and eventful. i spent 9th & 10th grade taking a lot of nudes, talking to plenty of boys and girls, dating people for days or weeks before i ended things, and jumping from crush to crush. i couldn’t admit it to myself then, but a lot of my self-esteem and confidence was tied to how much validation i received from people, not just people i had crushes on. i craved validation from my family, my friends, my crushes, my teachers, and everybody. i did well in school, and i truly loved to learn, but i spent a considerable amount of my free time on social media and trying to make myself as hot as possible. i don’t want to know how many hours i wasted of my youth doing those things. i know people say you should live with no regrets, but if i’m being honest, that time could’ve been spent doing more rewarding, adventurous, or wholesome activities. i thought i would be fulfilled if i was the hottest i could be. so when that didn’t work by itself, i turned to boys to fill my time and this internal void i felt.
the odd part is i never went looking for these people to crush on or date. they found me and i was almost always open to seeing how things could evolve. it was a nice distraction from my depression. my favorite parts of dating around so casually were the chasing, teasing, flirting, and fantasizing that inevitably came with each crush i had and each person that pursued me. the absolute best part was when the person i was seeing would teach me something about myself; i loved to discover parts of myself that different people brought out of me. my least favorite parts of dating around were how time-consuming it was and how uninterested i became in the people i was seeing so quickly. i had nothing against them, but i wasn’t clicking with people on any level past being superficial. you’re cute, i’m cute, that’s cool, but who cares? i knew these people weren’t for me; that’s why i broke up with literally all of them.
in 11th grade, i met l. he was nerdy, introverted, and his dick was big. i lost my virginity to him. i got on hormonal birth control before we had sex (thanks mom) because i was terrified of pregnancy. the sex wasn’t bad but it wasn’t great. he would ignore me for days on end. all he did was get high, play video games, and go to school. the best and worst thing he ever did was get me into weed. he was a grade above me. he was always trying to talk to or sext with camgirls and any girl that would look his way. he didn’t consider that cheating, but i did. i tried to make it work but after i caught him doing that, there was no way i could trust him again. i became controlling then shortly realized it’s not worth my time or his. our relationship had become toxic & draining, to say the absolute least. i left him. truthfully, i liked him, but never loved him. he tried to stay friends, but i wasn’t too interested. he ended up apologizing for his wrongdoings in several emails sent to me years later. i appreciated it. in the end, he gave me trust issues and a temporary addiction to weed. not too bad, honestly. could’ve been worse.
everything changed again when i met a. at the time, i was beginning my senior year of high school. my best friend, e, was a grade above me and chose a college in austin. he came back in october to visit his family & friends, and he brought his new bff, a. i’m not kidding when i say that my world stopped when i saw him. this little voice inside of me said “he’s going to change everything.” he did. we fell in love quickly & intensely. i met his family within 2 months. we took turns traveling to each other most weekends. it was a 3-hour commute each way. i had a job as a hostess and was trying to decide where to go for college, but we made it work. he was hot, hilarious, and sweet. i was obsessed with him. we fucked like rabbits.
after a few months, there was a major issue. two, actually. the first is that he never disagreed with me. that might sound nice but i hated it. it showed me that he wasn’t opinionated enough to openly disagree with anything i said. it didn’t feel right. i wanted healthy disagreements and open communication. it felt too good to be true.
the second issue is i’d seen a highly suspicious text from one of his close girl friends at 1 am. “are you up, can i come over?” it made me paranoid. also, he told me about how much he loves hanging out with his other girl friend named e. he told me she was going to draw his tattoo, which she did, and he got it tattooed. it was sentimental to him. i didn’t really like that. plus, he had a sex class that he attended and studied for with his ex-girlfriend. i think all of this filled me with some level of distrust towards him that never went away. i became controlling; i didn’t like when he would hang out with any of those girls alone anymore. it didn’t bother me previously, because i trusted him, but now it felt different. i went through his phone. i felt like he had already cheated or was going to. i decided two can play. i sent nudes to a guy i knew from high school. he had a long-term girlfriend, but he was down bad for me. i quickly ended the online affair with him, because every part of it felt horrible. i snitched to his girlfriend. she didn’t believe me. i never told a.
shortly after, i felt like he was a little too nice to a girl he had an assignment with. i went nuclear. i wanted him to reassure me that he wasn’t doing things behind my back and be able to prove that. he had a mental breakdown. it was my fault. his mom called me crazy (she was right) and forced him to cut contact. he somewhat listened. we talked on and off via email for weeks after. it was dramatic and quite sad. we officially ended halfway into my freshman (technically sophomore) year of college. since that argument happened over text in different cities, we never got to say bye to each other in person. that still stings, i won’t lie. overall, he taught me a lot. he was a fantastic cook, great in bed, treated me like a princess, and always bought me gifts or organized romantic surprises. looking back, i don’t care if he cheated or not, because ironically enough, he raised my standards considerably. most of all, our relationship showed me my strengths and weaknesses in love. it was the starting point i needed to work on becoming the best version of myself.
after a, there was c. it was short-lived, but worth discussing because i mentally hit rock bottom in that relationship. i was the worst version of myself because i hadn’t healed from my split with a and was in the middle of major life changes when c and i dated. i’d moved into my own apartment, got an office job in a nice area, and was enrolled in 5 to 6 courses at a time. c and i weren’t compatible as lovers. we brought out the worst in each other. we mutually ended things. we agreed that we should’ve stayed friends and never evolved past that. i think if we never dated, we’d still be homies now. it couldn’t be salvaged after everything that happened in that short time; some of it was truly horrible.
i met o at my real estate job during my sophomore (technically junior) year of college. he was older than me by about 8 years. 19 vs. 27. he was super normal. i loved that about him. he worked 9-5, had a solid friend group, played video games and watched comedy shows for fun. he cooked great food, had a huge place in a nice part of the city, rode his bike every weekend, smoked weed, went out drinking sometimes, and was good in bed. pretty standard dude. i’m laughing just typing this because he was so normal, and it was so refreshing. i was balls deep (i know im a woman, don’t care) into hookup culture before i met o. it was getting hard to manage seeing multiple people plus work plus school. he didn’t like our age gap, but we got along pretty well. we were open for a bit. he taught me the importance of boundaries and trusting people again. it worked. i haven’t repeated my previous pattern of being controlling, paranoid, or checking phones since i dated him. he healed that part of me completely. thank fucking god. he restored a lot of my faith in humanity, love, and men. i did love him, but we both knew we weren’t each other’s “person.” we ended amicably. he’s a solid man, i wish him nothing but the best. i’ll probably send him this.
after o, i was ready to be single for a long time. i’d been single multiple times for various periods, but somebody appealing would always walk into my life and convince me to change that. this time, i told myself i’d turn everybody away. i wanted to be celibate. no hookups, no friends with benefits, no dating, nothing. i meant business. just work, my third and final year of college, the program i was in for my major, hobbies, family, and friends. i was locked in.
after o, i also had a massive realization. life is better with a best friend. i had a few close friends in my life, but not a best friend. something clicked. there were 3 reasons i kept sacrificing my status as single to be with the next person who pursued me. firstly, i loved sex. the problems with sex with random people are that it requires more effort to keep it consistent and it’s riskier. sex with a partner can be easier, consistent, and safe. secondly, it was a distraction, an easy way to fill my time and head. it felt easier to me than doing some soul-searching or facing the parts of myself i wasn’t ready to handle. finally, having a partner is like having a built-in best friend. i always craved the kind of deep and loyal best friendship that i hadn’t experienced since m from middle school. some people came close, but didn’t quite get to that level. no boyfriend did either.
me being me, i’m a problem solver. ok, i love sex, but i want to be single, so i’ll get a toy and only sleep with people when it feels right. problem solved. ok, i’m distracted, so i’ll face the music and do the soul-searching. i’ll stop running. problem solved. but what about the best friend issue? they’re rare. they’re not easy to come by. that’s something i couldn’t fix by myself.
since the program i was in had increasingly become important to my life and education, i figured i should form closer bonds with the people in it. naturally, i invested more time and made some close friends. somebody in the program reached out and said “hey, we’ve never hung out before! are you interested?” i’d seen him around, but we never ended up on any teams together. one thing i knew was that everybody loved him in my program. i replied “sure! let’s grab dinner after i get off work sometime this week.” that day came. i drove there planning to leave after 1-2 hours. standard dinner with a standard acquaintance. i had no idea that i was about to discover one of the best people i’ve met in my entire life, if not the very best. i had no idea that we’d talk at this restaurant until it closed, then continue to talk in the parking lot. i left around 1 am smiling ear to ear. i think when you meet somebody who will change your life and impact you significantly, you just know sometimes. i never saw it coming when i drove there, but i was sure he was one of these people by the time i left. i was right.
his name is d. he’s my very best friend. i can’t say enough great things about him. imagine the absolute best qualities of people you’ve met in your life, then combine and instill them all into one person. that would be d. ambitious, hilarious, thoughtful, helpful, sweet, intelligent, patient, loyal, honest. he’s fucking fantastic. he’s completely restored my faith in humanity, love, and men. when people talk about their best friends, they sometimes call them their ride or die. d is definitely my ride or die. we can do anything together. we could probably take over the world if we wanted to. i’m yin, he’s yang.
i know what you’re thinking. why don’t you date?! we tried. it’s not the same. i think some people believe that a successful dynamic means you have to date each other to truly reach the height of that success. i strongly disagree. i find friendship more rewarding than romantic love. i don’t know if i’ll feel this way forever, but i know i’ve felt this way for my entire life.
when you date somebody, there are normally more responsibilities and strings attached. we can fuck, but not with other people. we can flirt, but not with other people. we can send nudes, but not to other people. we can stare at each other, but not at other people. we can have friends of the opposite sex, but we might have to walk a fine line so we don’t become suspicious of what we do with those friends or how we truly feel about those friends. we’re together, so we have to have sex this often. we’re in love, so we have to get married by this date. we’re married, so we have to have children by this date. we’re married, so we have to stay together forever and work through things until we die. we’re family, so you have to tolerate my family and i have to tolerate yours. the list goes on. you see my point; traditional relationships come with a lot of rules & limitations.
i don’t think there’s anything wrong with this if it works for two people. the beautiful part of all relationships, either friendships or romances, is that they are what you make of them. they can be as rigid or as open as you want. whatever works for two people, without hurting others, is only the business of those two people. i understand the appeal of a long-term monogamous relationship, however, it hasn’t “worked” for me yet and i don’t know if i could ever be in a relationship with those exact strings attached. i think i require different strings, but i won’t know until i choose somebody to do it with, and i haven’t found them yet. i’m picky and i’m busy, but i’ll find out eventually. i’m very young, after all.
there was some kind of internal void in me for a long time. i’m still not sure what it was, but i think doing the soul-searching i needed to, getting into a career i enjoy, returning to the hobbies i love, working through my family issues, taking care of my body, surrounding myself with great friends, and having d in my life filled it. i don’t feel that void anymore. i feel complete. i don’t mean that i’m done with life, because this is just the beginning. i mean that i feel like i’m starting to get the hang of this life shit. being a human. seeing the magic in everyday life. appreciating the small things. staying in great mental health. fostering meaningful relationships with friends, family, animals, coworkers, and myself. finding work-life balance. spending my time doing things i enjoy. not letting my emotions control me. experimenting with sex and sexuality. authentically showing up as myself and creating a life i enjoy living.
so that’s been my journey with romantic love so far. i left a lot of people & events out. people who taught me a lot about sex, about love, about life. some things are for my mind only. i’m so lucky to know and have known many people who have impacted my life for the best. there have been so many that i’d probably triple the length of this post if i included them all. maybe i’ll just have to write a book about them.
as for my journey with sex, just like romantic love, it’s been eventful and eye-opening. i can’t go into specific details about my encounters, so i’ll tell you what matters. i knew i was bisexual when i was young and every waking moment confirms that. i’m into men, i’m into women, i’m into people. if there’s a vibe with someone, i’m almost always interested in pursuing it. i’ve gotten far more selective as i’ve gotten older. honestly, i think i’m more shallow than i used to be. years ago, a fantastic personality would’ve been enough to undress me. now? not so much. i think when it comes to how sexually appealing somebody is to me, 40% is their personality, ~50% is their appearance, and that 10% is something i’m not sure of. i think it’s their energy. sometimes it just feels so right. sometimes they’re sweet, they’re sexy, but they’re still not appealing to me.
i’ve had a lot of sex. i’ll have a lot more. i have sex with myself often. i have great sex with others when the right opportunity presents itself. i’m definitely a switch with a preference for being on top and in control. i’ve got a type, for sure. i like curvy goth women and tatted muscle mommies. i like men with mustaches and muscular arms. i’m heavily into dark features. dark eyes, dark hair. i melt for brown eyes. i’m skilled in the bedroom, or so i’ve been told. i believe it, because part of my pleasure comes from their pleasure. i’m adventurous but i’ve got boundaries. as i get older, i try more things. i love sex. i love sluts. i love porn. i love cum. i love cumming. i like it hot. i like it slow. i like it fast. i like it gentle. i like it rough. i love feeling sexy. i love helping others feel sexy. i love trying new things during sex. i love classic, vanilla sex too. i love everything that happens before the sex. the teasing, the flirting, the getting to know somebody. the chase. sometimes i love a good one-night stand. sometimes i like to make love. i can truly say that i don’t have any shame attached to sex or sexuality anymore. sex is natural. sex is normal. sex is a big part of my life. i like it that way.
i look forward to continuing my journey with both sex and romantic love. thanks for reading, if you did. go love and go fuck.