i wonder why i fear traditionalism
the suburban house, the multiple kids, the 9-to-5, the lifelong commitment to corporations, the white fence, the monogamy for life, the chapel wedding; it all makes my stomach hurt
to be clear, i don’t think anybody who wants those things is a bad person.
the suburban house, the multiple kids, the 9-to-5, the lifelong commitment to corporations, the white fence, the monogamy for life, the chapel wedding.
the traditionalism of all of it is not for me; that’s why i can appreciate those who do yearn for it. there is a level of commitment to those people that i respect and don’t relate to. their willingness to adhere to traditions, for one reason or another, is commendable to a degree.
however, it is a nightmare of mine. it makes my stomach hurt, i actively avoid it, i have literally woken up scared because i dreamt of it, and i don’t know why.
i thought i had some kind of commitment issues; maybe i do, but i don’t think so. in fact, throughout my life, i have committed to people, places, and things with little to no issues. i have only broken those commitments when the way i was being treated became an issue and they didn’t resolve it. i knew when to walk away. i have, generally speaking, always known when to stay, when to fight, and when to leave.
on another hand, i wonder if it’s “just because i’m young” like some people always try to tell me. only time will tell for that one, but once again, i don’t think that’s the case. i can pinpoint exactly why i don’t want those things, but not quite why im afraid of them.
the suburban house- i’m a city girl, through and through. i love walkable places, hate car culture, love having a variety of activities to do and people to meet, and the noise of any city has put me to sleep more than it has disturbed me.
the multiple kids- i am not interested in birthing any children and never have been. i am an aunt to my niece and nephew who i love very dearly; i have seen the work that goes into birthing, raising, and parenting a kid for life, and i am not interested. i believe some people are born knowing what they want to do, and don’t want to do, and i fall into the latter category. it’s also the reason why i commend people who always wanted to be parents and do a great job at it, or at least try their best to.
the 9-to-5 & commitment to corporations- i am not interested in dedicating 40+ hours of my life (and realistically, it is so much more time than that if you factor in getting ready, commuting, and attending any work events) to any corporation. the reason why is because i’ve seen how they treat people, which is not like people at all, normally. i know there are some exceptions, but generally, i’ve seen people give decades of their life for a corporation whose executives make a mind-blowing amount of money, while the people under them live paycheck to paycheck, barely have any time (or money) for vacations, struggle to provide for themselves or their families, miss out on quality time with family and friends to go to work at a job they hate, stay at a job just for the healthcare benefits, and spend most of their week hating their life. i mean, what kind of quality of life do you have if you spend 5 days a week looking forward to 2 days, but then you’ve been so busy during those 5 days that you need to dedicate an entire day to errands and maintenance? that leaves you with about 1 day to actually do what you want to do. that is no way to live.
i acknowledge this is not the case for every 9-5 or corporation, but oh my, it is so many of them. it is very soul-crushing to witness, let alone experience.
the monogamy for life- i am not interested in staying with one person for life. and i am definitely past that definition, too. i have had the privilege to experience love & lust with many different people, so monogamy (as in one person for life) is off the table now. i am thankful i have had the various romantic & sexual experiences i have had, because they taught me so much, and each one contributed to shaping who i am as a person.
however, the other definition, meaning one person at a time, i can get down with that. i’ve actually been in open relationships, and maybe i’ll revisit them one day, but it wasn’t for me. truthfully, it’s too much work and requires giving multiple people too much of my attention. it was more effort than i was willing to give, which showed me that i don’t think it’s the right lifestyle for me.
the chapel wedding- i am not particularly interested in marriage, but not against it completely. what i don’t enjoy about this is the chapel part, because i am not religious in that way, or even close to it. i would never get married at a religious place, in fact i would probably elope somewhere, particularly because i have major beef with what marriage has meant for women throughout history. i have seen how religious has been used to justify treating women particularly bad, which has created marriages where the women are miserable and in constant suffering while catering to a man who is blissfully happy, because he married a woman that resembled his own mother in a way. no thank you to any of that. if i were to be married, it would be in the most non-religious way possible.
so i don’t like those things. clearly. but why do i fear them?
i don’t know.
my best guess is that i value my independence and consider it a key part of who i am and what i identify as; perhaps, to adopt any of those things into my life would make me feel like i have lost parts of my independence, and therefore lost parts of who i am. i don’t know for sure, but that’s all i’ve got for now.
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