i don't like partying and that's okay

i tried as a teenager, i've tried in my twenties, and now i've truly accepted that it's not for me; i prefer nights that look different

every time i go out clubbing or partying, i find myself going through the same rollercoaster of emotions, full of the same complaints, and eager to go home. or really, anywhere that isn’t there. it’s especially fascinating because i almost never feel lonely or empty in my life, it’s not often that i even feel sad, but almost every time i feel lonely or empty, it’s on a night out, surrounded by people.

a night out where i watch as everybody slams as many shots as they can take, flirts with people they will likely spend no more than one night with, and yells to communicate, straining their voice, just to be heard over the loud music. and there’s nothing wrong with any of that, but i don’t like doing it myself. i actually appreciate the people-watching most of all. i particularly like to see how different people act as the night progresses, the alcohol accumulates, and the stimuli evolves.

but then, like always, my body reaches a point where it won’t stop begging me to leave. to go home. to turn the noise off. to disconnect. to go outside. to enjoy my solitude. to sleep well. to sleep sober. to wake up energized. to not go out again.

there is something about the particular ambiance of a nightclub that is deeply disturbing to me on every level. it is wildly different from other scenarios involving alcohol, for example, grabbing a glass of wine and a charcuterie board with a friend or a loved one.

at least in that scenario, i can almost always enjoy myself and the company i’m keeping. the environment is alive but calmer, slower, and i can hear the people i’m talking to, i can see their body language and facial expressions without any flashing lights as distractions, i can sip my wine slowly without feeling like i am surrounded by people who can’t seem to get the drinks down fast enough, it’s easy to hear the people around me laughing, the lighting is warmer, there are little snacks on the table to enjoy together, the conversation flows, time speeds up because i am enjoying myself so much, and it feels soulful.

i cannot say the same for a nightclub. i can say it is nearly the exact opposite experience for me.

the environment is alive, but erratic, fast-paced, and i can’t hear the people i’m talking to. that is, if i’m truly talking to anybody. most of the time, the music is so loud and the people are so drunk that i am not truly conversing with people. that makes sense, because nightclubs aren’t exactly renowned for being the best places to have deep conversations with coherent people. it’s where people blow their money to slam some drinks, get loose, and have nights full of memories they won’t remember by the morning. it’s where people often go to forget, move their bodies, and if they’re lucky, find a body to move with for the rest of the night. i can respect the purpose of it all; it’s not so serious, at least, it’s not really supposed to be. it’s supposed to be easy-going, a place where people can drink to forget whatever they’re trying to forget. but that’s why it’s not the place for me. i’m not trying to forget anything, and when i am, i’d rather not do it in a nightclub. with the flashing lights, i can hardly see people’s body language and facial expressions, i feel odd if i’m the only one not participating in the next round of shots, it’s hard to distinguish between people’s laughter, if i can even hear it, there are no snacks on the tables, only glasses filled to various levels, and time slows down as i find myself wondering when i should leave and go home. it feels soulless. the environment reeks of desperation and insecurity, particularly the men. i often feel like prey when i feel all of their eyes on me. it’s even worse when they try to dance with me. i watch my drink carefully around them, because i wouldn’t trust any man i met in a nightclub with my drink. hell, even the men i met outside of a nightclub are still met with a certain level of caution from me.

but it’s not all so bad. i do enjoy some parts. i often enjoy the people i go with, watching people dance, discovering new music, the process of getting ready, taking pictures of the outfit i’ve put together, and reading the cocktails on the menu. the funny part is i don’t like to drink them as much as i like to appreciate how the mixologist has created specific cocktails.

even with these tokens of appreciation that i have for nightclubs, the truth still remains: i don’t like partying. and that’s okay. i’ll continue to enjoy other environments, like wine bars and comedy clubs. those are much more in alignment with who i am and what i enjoy.