decentering romance: why it's not my top priority anymore

finding fulfillment beyond a fairytale ending

for longer than i'd like to admit, i once centered romance so heavily that i began to neglect exploring my own interests, evolving in my career, and meeting new people. i think this is a part of growing up for many people; almost every woman i've ever known has experienced it. for some, they might enjoy centering romance to this degree but for me, it felt like a light was starting to go out.

when love is new, it's normal to spend a lot of time together! and it may stay that way if you can balance other parts of your life, but when i was younger, i couldn't. i would meet someone new and they became the person i communicated with the most, spent the most time with, prioritized seeing over others when i had free time, all while seeing my friends less, having a harder time focusing on things, and soaking up their influence, whether good or bad. it felt like there would be a fire in me, ignited by creating, exploring, meeting new people, taking risks, seeing my loved ones, and spending time alone. however, that flame would start to go out when i'd meet someone and begin to spend too much time with them. sometimes i'd start to pick up thoughts and habits that weren't even my own, that i didn’t even like, yet i wouldn't break up with them; i would stay for too long or until something disastrous happened. i wish i knew nothing terrible needed to happen, i could have decided to be single whenever i wanted.

the cultural obsession with romance

romance and romantic love is all around us, especially in media. it's no secret that it's fed to us as something to want. biologically it makes sense; we're wired to reproduce and get pleasure from intimacy and sex. we need human touch.

through pop culture and media, we're mostly encouraged to center romance, especially women. how many movies show a woman who needs saving? or whose life had no meaning until she pursued someone or was pursued by someone? how many romantic coms show the career-obsessed woman who's miserable until she learns to open her heart and prioritize love? how about those women's magazines with cover stories like "10 ways to make him commit"? how many hallmark movies show a badass woman who worked so hard for her career but throws it away because she met some guy in her hometown? i'm kidding but i'm also not. these themes are everywhere.

even music isn't immune. how many #1 hits are about finding love, losing love, or desperately wanting love? taylor swift built an empire on it; there's a reason it resonates with so many women.

it's not just for women either. with creators teaching men how to pick up women, it's clearly on their minds too. and it's easier to center romance than ever: dating apps, matchmakers, social media full of couples, romance as the #1 bestselling book genre, relationship podcasts and coaches, friends and family asking about your love life early into a conversation. we even get tax benefits for finding our person! so it's no mystery that many center romance by default. it's all around us. it's fed to us. it also populates the world.

one of my biggest issues with centering romance is that i wasn't seeing the beauty in other connections. friendships, family, community, neighbors, colleagues, mentors. there's always something to learn from these people or good times to be had with them. not only do those connections matter, they're the very support system i also turn to when a relationship ends or when life throws me a curveball.

i want my relationships to feel like two complete people joining forces without losing ourselves. it should be me, them, and us. the world doesn't need to stop.

what happens when you decenter romance

something i realized as i've decentered romance is how much influence partners had on me before. love is exciting, and the right kind opens up my world, but it comes with a risk: it changes you. i welcome change to an extent, but i don't like feeling myself change because i'm seeing someone too often or their influence is so strong that parts of me are changing that i wasn't interested in changing.

people bring out different parts of you, and i don't always like those parts of me. sometimes they're traits or habits i've actively been trying to change, but then i meet someone whose influence reverts that progress. my first girlfriend was smart, hilarious, curious, eager to live and experience new things, and naturally she brought those traits out of me too, which i enjoyed and tried to maintain even after we broke up. as time went on, and because i centered romance so heavily, i wasn't properly vetting the people i was seeing, inevitably ending up with people who weren't up to my standards or good for me. some of those people had quite distasteful traits and brought them out of me, like constantly complaining or not using their manners. but i was so attached and unwilling to be alone that both their influence and the relationship summoned the worst parts of me.

this is why i value interdependence instead of codependence. i don't assign all blame to those people; it's my responsibility to maintain my sense of self and boundaries. ultimately we weren't compatible. looking back, i shouldn't have been busy looking for the right one; i should've been focusing on being the right person, for myself.

i've been working on that now for about two and a half years. my life has transformed since i started to make that the priority. everything from where i live to my career to my hobbies has changed significantly. it's incredible how much energy i've gotten back now that i invest it into myself and not on seeking a romantic partner. that doesn't mean i'm not interested at all! i'm just not making it the center of my world.

who gives a fuck if i get married or have children? if i’m single or not? the answer doesn't matter. i'm sure my friends and family would love to see me in love, but i’d like to think they love me the same regardless. the gag is it doesn't matter either way, because it's up to me. while i value the opinions of those around me, the person whose opinion i value most is my own. if i meet somebody and we decide to get married, cool! it's not a decision i would take lightly. i’m also definitely getting a prenup if it happens. plus, i don't believe in marrying just for love. if i ever decide to have children, cool! if not, also cool! vibes all around, because neither marriage nor children are a priority of mine, at least not at this point in time.

i don't subscribe to the idea that i should measure my life's progress by relationship milestones. i feel like this should go without saying, because this piece and publication are meant to be reflective and not so relentlessly critical of others, but that doesn't mean i look down on people who do. i've simply learned it's not for me. i have other milestones in mind.

finding meaning in other areas

milestones like how deep my friendships are, how i contribute to my community, putting my art into the world, scaling my businesses, living somewhere safe + walkable, achieving financial freedom, the mastery of my skills, transforming the world of technology, my career, my physical and mental health, showing up for my loved ones, my education, breaking bad habits and building good ones, caring for my animals, and more. my greater goals are to leave the world better than i found it, show up as my most authentic self, create art and love unapologetically. it might sound vague, but i know what it means and what it entails.

i'm pouring my resources (time, money, energy, effort!!!) into my career, hobbies, passions, interests, art, animals, support system, education, businesses, creativity, fashion, technology, new experiences, community clubs, actively trying to make an impact, and becoming my highest self.

rediscovering other forms of connection

i could sense i was losing my sense of self when i started sharing a bedroom with a man i was seeing. for my entire life up to that point, i've had my own bedroom where i could do whatever i want. i didn't realize how much i associated my bedroom with my individuality, and how important that is to me. i hated living in a bedroom surrounded by someone else's things while not having my own space. this is why i live in a 2 bedroom apartment with my best friend now. for the rest of my life, i will have my own bedroom with my thrifted collections, girly decoration style, floral comforter, speaker to blast my fav songs, huge mirror for dancing, pink desk setup, and crystal candles. most of all, it’s a room full of my energy. it’s non-negotiable!

having my own bedroom also means i can have sleepovers forever! i can still live with someone i love without having to kick my partner out of the room for those nights. everybody wins. i can have friends over without inconveniencing anyone. decentering romance also means when i go to clubs/bars, my focus isn't on meeting someone new romantically; i just vibe with new people on any level or enjoy the company of who i came with.

i used to see what my partner was doing then decide if i wanted to make plans with friends. now i'm like wtf? if i want to see my friend, i am going to see my friend. then i'll coordinate with my partner based on my availability. why should they always get first dibs? i might see them more than my friends already, especially if we live together.

now it's easier to see the beauty in other relationships: my relationship with myself, friendships, family, communities, colleagues, mentors, even nice encounters with strangers and my dogs!

becoming more selective about romantic connections

one of the most rewarding parts is how selective i've become with relationship choices. i'm actively working on being my highest self, so i won't expect any less from a potential partner. who are they? what do they care about? what are their career goals? how are they with money? how do they treat others? do they have balance in their life? how do they handle their mental and physical health? what's their sense of humor like? how do they act when they’re angry? what's our chemistry like? can we argue productively? do we hold each other accountable? does our relationship feel expansive or repressive? do i feel influenced to shut myself off from the world or do i feel an urge to put myself out there and create?

i've had too many relationships that led to bad habits: eating poorly, not moving our bodies, socializing less, being consumed by media, binging in bed. i'm not looking for that again. looking back, my best relationships felt expansive; they didn't turn me into a hermit crab. i don't want to be a hermit crab. i want to be a god damn bird.

i used to think if it didn't work out with someone, then someone failed. looking back, it's simple: we weren't compatible. we weren't interested in becoming more compatible or working through issues. that's fine. it's like qualifying your leads; it doesn't mean anything is wrong with either person. i have standards, they have standards, and ideally we both meet each other's, but if not, goodbye and good riddance!

i require someone with the same sense of humor, who is kind, reliable, financially stable, trustworthy with money, has serious chemistry with me, is passionate, shares similar views on religion, politics, and children, has strong communication skills, and has a growth mindset. anything else is a nice-to-have, like they’re tall or filthy rich.

so naturally i won't accept just anyone. admittedly, my standards are slightly lower for casual connections, but not by much, and i rarely do that since toys are affordable and abundant. why would i give someone my time, energy, and effort if they're not meeting my standards? if they want me, they'll show me. if i want them, i'll show them. if the effort isn't there or the requirements aren't met, i'd rather invest elsewhere. gotta focus on my ROI, ya know?

finding balance (not elimination)

when i say i've decentered romance, i don't mean i don't care about it. i'm prioritizing other aspects of life. if someone came along and we met each other's standards, clicked, and wanted to pursue something, i'm down! plus, the odds of that working are probably higher if i've spent my time investing in myself and other connections, not waiting around for some prince (or princess) to come rescue me from this scary single world.

i just won't let it consume me the way it used to. i don’t think it’s possible anymore; life feels so much more fun since i’ve abandoned the idea that romance should be the centerpiece of my world, so i trust i would approach a serious romantic relationship much differently now.

conclusion

decentering romance has been one of the most transformative (idc if people think of chatgpt when that word is used now, i love that word!!) shifts in my life. i've gone from someone who consistently lost herself in relationships to someone who builds a rich life that a relationship can enhance but never define. i'm also not saying romance is bullshit or a wash; i simply refuse to make it the center of my whole world (again) when i see now that life has so many other experiences to offer.

think of it like this: no matter your religion or belief system, we know we have at least one life here. how do you want to spend it?

for too long i measured my worth through someone else's eyes, waiting for validation through partnership. fuck that noise. i'm now investing in myself with the same energy i used to pour into chasing relationships or trying to force them to work, and the return has been exponentially greater. my friendships are deeper, my career is more rewarding, my creativity flows more freely, and i know myself in ways i never could when i was constantly morphing to fit someone else's life.

here's what i know now: focus on being the right person, not finding them. and ideally, don't try to be the right person just to meet someone either; that's still centering romance. do it for you. do it for your growth. do it for your passions and interests. do it for the version of yourself that doesn't need anyone’s approval to feel complete.

create goals that align with what you want and who you want to be, then pursue the hell out of them without waiting for a co-star in your life’s movie. in the words of phoebe waller-bridge's mother, "be whatever you want to be, as long as you're outrageous." i'd add: be whatever you want to be, as long as it's truly you and not just who you think someone else wants you to be.